Some bands spend years carefully constructing their origin story. Gopher have had more than two centuries to get theirs straight and still appear to be making it up as they go.
Originally formed in Fanny Barks, UK, in 1790, Gopher arrived in Australia with the First Fleet after a spot of trouble involving truancy, petty crime and an apparent lack of suitable career opportunities. After helping build the new colony, disappearing into the Australian wilderness and patiently waiting for heavy metal to be invented, the pair have finally released their debut album, Tunnel Buddies.
Better late than never.
I caught up with guitarist, Scrabble shark and alleged ladies’ man Ned Smelly for a conversation covering the band’s 236-year journey, Craigie Retirement Village, nightclub synths, drinking on aeroplanes, Chiko Rolls and one of the most important questions ever presented to the British monarchy.
Vocalist and world mahjong champion Ernie Bingo was not present, presumably because international sporting commitments and medication rounds do not organise themselves.
Australia’s Freshest Oldest Metal Band
Any interview with Gopher requires a basic understanding of Australian history.
Ned and Ernie were best mates growing up in Fanny Barks, although Ned admitted that neither of them spent much time at school. They preferred roaming the streets, behaving like scallywags and gradually causing enough trouble to earn themselves passage to Australia.
The voyage aboard the First Fleet was apparently an eight-month blur of drinking, eating, sleeping and trying to find something entertaining to do on a large wooden boat. There were no guitars, amplifiers, streaming services or portable Bluetooth speakers, so the young troublemakers had to settle for stolen flutes, recorders and whatever other instruments they could pinch.
Once in Australia, they served their time, helped get the place moving and eventually ran away to pursue the music that would become Gopher.
There was only one minor problem: heavy metal had not been invented yet.
Ned and Ernie had to wait through centuries of sea shanties, gramophones, wax cylinders, banjos, vinyl, cassette tapes and eight-tracks before humanity finally developed music filthy enough for their purposes. Once heavy metal arrived, the pair watched it splinter into an ever-growing number of subgenres.
Rather than choose one, Gopher decided to shove everything they liked into the same mobility scooter and hope the wheels stayed attached.
Two Rotting Corpses and a Debut Album
The official Gopher biography describes Ned and Ernie as two rotting, stinking and bubbling corpses. Ned confirmed that this is not clever marketing.
The nurses at Craigie Retirement Village apparently endure the consequences daily, sometimes resorting to high pressure hoses in an attempt to keep the pair vaguely presentable. Smoking, drinking and a diet built around questionable Australian convenience food have not helped, but neither age nor decomposition has stopped them from making heavy music.
That determination eventually produced Tunnel Buddies.
The album title is, according to Ned, an entirely wholesome reference to friendship, gophers and the many holes that he and Ernie have dug themselves into over the centuries. Any alternative definitions discovered through an internet search are the responsibility of the person typing.
Gopher are innocent old gentlemen, and the internet is full of lies.
Written and recorded largely inside their room at Craigie Retirement Village, Tunnel Buddies came together through modern technology that Ned still seems slightly suspicious of. Ernie took command of the computer, downloaded recording software, programmed drums and began assembling songs while Ned concentrated on guitar and whatever else he does when left unsupervised.
The room became their makeshift studio, helped by the fact that the pair were regularly locked inside to prevent further mischief.
Despite spending more than two centuries preparing for the album, the actual recording moved quickly once the songs were ready. Ned only needed to learn the riffs, remember where he had left his guitar and avoid being blasted with a hose long enough to finish his parts.
A Mixed Bag of Heavy Metal Lollies
Gopher describe themselves as party metal, but Tunnel Buddies refuses to stay inside any one genre.
There are grind riffs, death metal, slam, blast beats, grooves, electronic sections, nightclub synths and massive choruses designed for people who want to sing along after being punched in the face by the heavier sections.
The mixture works because the album never pretends to be anything other than fun. It is heavy enough for the pit, catchy enough for a dance floor and ridiculous enough to stop anyone taking the entire exercise too seriously.
Ned spoke about discovering Electric Callboy and being impressed by their ability to mix heavy music with electronic sounds, catchy songwriting and humour. Ernie began experimenting with similar contrasts, pushing synthesised beats into brutal riffs and building songs that could suddenly jump from a questionable European nightclub into a filthy grind section.
What started as messing around soon became the foundation of Gopher.
Ned still takes musical notes with a pen and paper while cruising around on his gopher because phone apps remain several technological revolutions beyond him. Ideas are written down before they disappear from his memory, then brought back to Ernie so they can be mangled into another song.
The result is not an album interested in proving how serious, technical or miserable heavy music can be. Gopher want listeners to switch off, crack a drink and enjoy themselves.
As Ned put it during our conversation, people should not treat life or music so seriously.
That might be the closest Gopher come to offering genuine wisdom.
Butterflies, Nightclubs and Blast Beats
“Kupu Kupu Malam” introduced the wider world to Gopher’s particular brand of madness.
The song opens with the sort of electronic beat that could convince an unsuspecting listener they have stumbled into a dodgy nightclub anthem. Then the guitars arrive, the blast beats begin and the entire thing turns into a collision of grind, filthy vocals and a flamboyant chorus.
The contrast captures what makes Gopher work. They are willing to move between styles without asking permission, and the songs are written to keep listeners guessing.
The title can be translated as “night butterfly” and may carry another, less innocent meaning, but Ned remains committed to the official explanation. He and Ernie simply love nature, colourful butterflies and sitting outside at night while enjoying a few drinks and cigarettes.
Nothing suspicious to report.
The track represents the band’s broader approach across Tunnel Buddies. Listeners who want to dance can dance. Those waiting for a heavy riff will not be waiting long. Anyone who wants to start throwing limbs around in a modern hardcore pit is welcome to do that as well, although Ned will be watching safely from a balcony or mobility scooter.
At his age, one poorly judged spin kick could require another replacement hip.
Partying in the Sky
The songs on Tunnel Buddies explore the issues that truly matter to Australian life.
“Party in the Sky” examines Ned’s preferred method of surviving air travel. Flying is boring, the person in the next seat is usually a stranger and the entertainment system is apparently full of rubbish. The obvious solution is to preload before boarding, continue drinking once the trolley arrives and spend most of the flight unconscious.
Ned has never been upgraded for this behaviour. He claims to have been downgraded repeatedly.
His preferred aisle seat also creates difficulties. Frequent trips to the bathroom are unavoidable once the beers begin, and sleeping through most of the flight means fellow passengers may need to poke, slap or otherwise disturb him if they want to get past.
It may not be approved by aviation authorities, but it has inspired one of the album’s most memorable tracks.
Gopher Versus the Monarchy
Then there is “Does the Queen Queef?”
The song began during a drunken discussion with a former girlfriend who was deeply interested in kings, queens and royalty. Ned responded by asking the question that historians, constitutional experts and royal correspondents had somehow avoided for generations.
The reaction he received only convinced him that it was worth pursuing.
Gopher are not claiming to have solved the mystery. They are merely brave enough to begin the conversation.
The identity of the queen in question also remains open. It could refer to Queen Elizabeth II, another British monarch or any queen from anywhere in the world. After forming in 1790, Ned and Ernie have lived through enough royal eras to keep the investigation deliberately broad.
Buckingham Palace has yet to provide an official response.
Shopping Trollied and Living Responsibly
“Shopping Trollied” turns another mundane chore into an excuse for poor decision-making.
Ned does not enjoy grocery shopping. There are screaming children, slow-moving customers and too many people wandering through the aisles without purpose. A few drinks before entering the shop make the experience significantly more entertaining, even if the final haul consists of items nobody needs.
Ernie may send Ned out with a sensible list, but that does not mean he will return with anything useful. Alcohol, frozen meals and unnecessary household products can quickly replace basic necessities.
Toilet paper is not considered essential at Craigie Retirement Village. The nurses already have a hose.
The Great Australian Chiko Roll Anthem
Tunnel Buddies closes with “Rock and Chiko Roll,” a stadium-sized tribute to one of Australia’s greatest culinary achievements.
Ned believes the Chiko Roll deserves far more cultural recognition. It can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, dinner or while asleep. It is filling, convenient and apparently responsible for keeping him alive for several centuries.
He suggested that Australian sporting trophies should be shaped like Chiko Rolls, with winning teams celebrating by eating their way through the cup. A future Gopher show could also include free Chiko Rolls with admission or see them launched into the crowd during the set.
Whether audiences eat them or throw them through the pit would be entirely their choice.
The song finishes the album with a genuine rock anthem, albeit one dedicated to a deep-fried snack of uncertain nutritional composition. It is absurd, unmistakably Australian and perfectly suited to everything Gopher represent.
Gopher Could Escape the Retirement Village
When Gopher began, live performances were not part of the plan.
That has started to change.
Ned believes the songs are too much fun to remain trapped inside Craigie Retirement Village, and the pair are now considering how a Gopher show could work. The likely setup would keep things simple, with Ned and Ernie performing alongside backing tracks rather than adding more members and additional body odours.
The entrance could involve mobility scooters, oxygen and perhaps a couple of nurses stationed near the stage. Once the drinks and cigarettes begin working, the pair hope to stand up, play some heavy metal and show the younger generations how it was done in 1790.
Nothing has been locked in yet, but live shows are now firmly on the cards.
That means Australian audiences may eventually witness Gopher emerge from the retirement village, empty an airline’s drinks supply, stagger into a venue and perform Tunnel Buddies in full.
Medical waivers may be required.
Something Different in Australian Heavy Music
Behind the masks, fictional history and important discussions about royal bodily functions, Gopher have created something genuinely different.
Plenty of heavy bands live inside a clearly defined genre. Gopher are happier grabbing whatever sounds entertaining and forcing it into the same song. There is death metal, grind, slam, electronic music, groove and pop-minded choruses, but the personality holding it all together is entirely their own.
Ned compared the album to a mixed bag of lollies. Not everybody will enjoy every flavour, and nobody likes the liquorice, but there should be something inside for anyone willing to try it.
The songs are short, the album does not overstay its welcome and listening requires little more than half an hour and a willingness to have fun.
That is the real point of Gopher.
Heavy music does not always need to be deadly serious. Sometimes it can be filthy, catchy, ridiculous and built around two rotting pensioners who have spent 236 years waiting for the rest of us to catch up.
Tunnel Buddies is out now through Prime Cuts.
Crank it loudly. According to Ned, your neighbours will want to hear it once.
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